I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Why are your pants in the freezer?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
