There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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