I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
