Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
