its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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