Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
