she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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