I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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