I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
