Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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