Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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