I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
