just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
