I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
