I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
as a side note pls kill me
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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