It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
