Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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