I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
