There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
whose parrot is this?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
