What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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