gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
