I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
