I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
