I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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