I haven't been this sober since birth.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
