WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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