I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
