I love black thongs
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize