I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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