how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize