Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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