Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
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