Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
