Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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