Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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