I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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