i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize