I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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