so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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