He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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