...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Randomize
