She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
FUCK WHALES
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
