So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
