made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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