I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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