That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
