We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
