mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
