I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
50% drunk capacity currently
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
