We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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