70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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