you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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