Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
