On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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