My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
