You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Randomize
