singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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