I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
