u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
