There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
