I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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