I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
