I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize