So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
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