On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
