fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Barsexuality is the new black.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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